"No, please, please don't tell! I'm begging you!" I pleaded as I cowered in an attempt to cover myself. "Fuck you, you faggot panty-boy!" she screamed from behind the door, and I actually feared I was going to vomit from sheer panic. I was nearly in tears by now as I said to the door keyhole "please, please! I'll do anything! Please don't tell!" "Shut up, and get the hell away from me" she demanded as I pled for mercy to no avail. Resigned to a life of complete, utter shame, I gathered my shorts and quietly retreated down the hallway, to the relative safety of my room. Once inside, I began to ponder my fate. What would I say to mom? Would she kick me out of the house? Would my sister ever talk to me again? What about college, how was I going to get enough money to return to finish my schooling? What would my friends say if they found out? What price of humiliation would I have to pay for my inability to control my sexual perversion? As I sat on the edge of my bed in silence, solemnly. I waited for her to tell me off for smoking – I only stopped because she’d told me to, had begged me to. She didn’t. Instead she sat beside me and looked out over the view but I knew she wasn’t seeing it any more than I was. Her voice was low and calm. ‘Of course I knew. If I had ever, ever had a woman lover it would have been you. I even thought about it, like you think about things that you know you simply cant do. I knew you wanted me. But you never made a move because you knew too that I couldn’t and that it would have hurt us both too much.’ She was right. ‘I knew you’d always be my closest friend because you love me and I love you. But we both knew it could never be physical. We never needed to say it, we knew.’ I nodded slowly. ‘I’m so sorry.’ ‘You don’t need to be.’ She stood up. ‘Have another cigarette and come back when you’re ready, OK?’ She leaned down to look closely into my eyes and I nodded again. ‘Silly cow.’ I smiled a wan smile to myself as she walked away. I had.
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